Words of Wisdom for My 18 Year Old Son

Fatherly advice from older Christian Men

My oldest son turned 18 this week and I wanted to give him something special that would last a lifetime.

I asked some godly Christian men of all ages to write him a letter sharing life wisdom they’d acquired. I got 37 responses. Their insight and practical wisdom blew me away. The letters were packed with centuries worth of invaluable life experience.

Going to prom his junior year (left), him with the book of letters (right)

I printed them all out, put them into a notebook, and gave them to him on his birthday. He was overjoyed to received it. He sat down right away and carefully read each letter.

This response made me realize that this gift was much larger than I intended. These men took seriously the request to pass down their wisdom to a younger man. It wasn’t just a gift to my son, it was a gift to them to share their wisdom.

So I’ve gone through these letters and extracted a handful of my favorite nuggets to share with you. I shared this on Twitter yesterday afternoon, and the thread has gotten a massive response (nearly 300K views in less than 24 hours, hundreds of encouraging comments and reposts, some even suggesting I expand them and turn them into a book).

Given the format of Twitter, I limited the number of quotes I included. But in this newsletter I’ve added several more. They are all arranged by topic. I pray these are encouraging to you. Perhaps there’s a young man in your life that you’d like to share them with.

Nuggets of Wisdom from Wise, Older Men

God's love

"On your worst day, God loves you exponentially more than you could dare to think he loves you on your best day. That sentence, the one I just wrote, that is the one to remember out of this whole letter. Really."

Trusting God

"Don’t expect anyone except God to ever give you what only God can give. Putting that kind of pressure on a person is unfair, and will crush the relationship."

“Through any hardship or change Jesus will always be the same today, yesterday, and forever. His friendship and communion with you will never change even when life is in constant change.”

Church

"Know your pastor and let him know you. I can’t stress this enough."

Scripture

"Read through the proverbs. They are written from the perspective of a father to his son. Many of these things are likely ideas that your father has attempted to impart on you, but they take on a different weight when coming directly from the word of God. All of the things in there were written for you, a son, to grow in discernment and wisdom. To become fit to be a king."

“Whether it be a business decision or how to conduct yourself in a social situation, you can find nearly any answer in Proverbs for what one ought to do.”

“I did not take scripture reading seriously for many years. I took for granted my faith and assumed going to church every Sunday and doing a bible study was enough. I was not doing what Paul instructed: ‘work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.’ I was using everyone else's work to build my faith, instead of doing the hard work myself.”

Priorities

"Your priorities are demonstrated by your actions. The actions you do (and don’t do) are evidence of your true priorities. You may say you value something, but unless there is evidence in your lifestyle, you’re self-deceived. Talk is cheap. Show me."

“Take care that you don't squander this opportunity on foolish and vain pursuits. Life is a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow, and even small decisions you make today can have lifelong consequences (not the least of which is choosing wisely regarding relationships with women!). Another great verse for young men is first John 2:14: ‘I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.’”

“The things of this world (wealth, wisdom, chasing women) are vapor, a chasing after the wind, or vanity. There is a time and place for everything under the sun. God has set eternity in our hearts. We may eat, drink, and find satisfaction in our toil. This is the gift of God!”

Self-control

"If you hear nothing else in this letter, seek out self control. Pray for it, love its, and look for its fruit in godly older men around you. The more you look, the more you'll see its fruit in those who cultivate it and destruction in those who do not."

"Men have a particular propensity to let their passions get the best of them, and you cannot focus on the characteristics given to older men without first learning to control your emotions, thoughts, actions, and words."

"Men with self control are a constant benefit to their wives, children, friends, and communities. Think of the best men you know - they possess a sense of calm and control over themselves. They are steady, solid, sure people who anchor those around them. Society (and even sadly, many churches) are full of the wreckage of men who lack it."

“Be on guard for letting sin in through a lack of self-control. Time has a way of compounding these habits; a small pet sin left unchecked will grow into a significant problem. At the same time, faithful diligence in your labor, investments, health, and spiritual life will reap greater rewards than you may think.”

Diligence

"Start with small faithfulness in tasks and grow strong in them; from there God will give you more you can grow in."

"Some lessons require that we keep the scars we had to earn from learning them." "When you are tired, learn to rest. Never quit."

“There is no substitute for hard work. In both football and school, I've thought that things would be easy for me and I wouldn't have to work hard to get a good result. I was wrong. I could reach for several Bible verses, but Colossians 3:23-24 resonates with me the most: ‘Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.’ Our work is a reflection of our Creator and our heart for Him. Certainly, our talents are too. But through his strength, as much as something can be in our control, our work ethic is in our control. It's good and right to work hard, and it glorifies God to do so.”

Pride

"If you’re anything like every other 18 year old I’ve known (and been), you are likely arrogant, and prideful. And more ignorant than you can imagine. You, like I did, probably hide it well."

“When I was 18, I felt that I had a decent understanding of the bible. I knew the popular stories, parables, and teachings of Jesus. I knew what it meant to be saved, and believed I had a firm understanding of the grace being offered to me by God, through Christ. While these things may have been true, I was still a fool. I lacked discernment. I lacked discipline. I lacked accountability. I lacked wisdom. All of these were born from a disinterest in studying scripture, and in devoting time to prayer for myself/those around me. I thought I knew it all, and that I didn't really need to go any deeper with my faith.”

“As a Christian man you can be confident in failure and humble in success. Why? Because your value is not in what you can accomplish and God's grace leaves you no room for boasting.”

“Pride is an insidious sin. You are coming into the physical prime of your life. You will be the most athletic, most intelligent, and generally capable you will ever be for the next 10-15 years. Try to examine your motivations in doing certain things. I find a lot of times that if I really get down to the bottom of why I do something, even if it's right and good and kind, it is for a sinful, prideful reason. If you don't stop pride in its footsteps, it is very easy for pride to take hold of your heart. The only reason God has given us our abilities is for His kingdom.”

Resilience

"Resilience can’t be gifted, only earned. Being able to figure things out will serve you in the long run way better than learning how to do a thing in a specific scenario. Learn how to make a way forward when the answers are hard to find."

"You are never stuck. You have the power to make decisions. And you have power to make different decisions. You have to live with the consequences of the decisions you’ve made (or neglected to make). But don’t give in to the lie that you’re stuck. You’re not."

Decisiveness

"You can’t steer a parked car. Planning is important, but too much planning can get in the way of action. If you’re going to make a mistake, do it at full speed. Aggressive action can overcome a lot of mistakes. I’ve seen much potential wasted from inactivity."

Toughness

"Life is extremely hard. And that’s a good thing. Take heart. Your pain has been/is/will always be a gift from God meant to make you more like his Son."

Goals

"Before you set off on any endeavor; determine before the Lord, fully honest with yourself, exactly what you're doing. Otherwise, you may end up getting to the top of the ladder only to realize (after it’s too late), that it was leaned up against the wrong wall. This is the biggest waste of time/talent/effort/money, the biggest waste of a life that I’ve seen.  Most people set out knowing what they don’t want and think that’s enough, but they have no clue what they do want.  Be different.”

Coaching

"A “good” coach will help you get from point A to point B. But a “Great” coach will question you on your point B. And you need a Great Coach."

“Listen to Christian men who know more than you and gain wisdom from them— watch how they live their life and follow their example. Be a large sponge and get as much time with them when you can.”

Evangelism

"Actually caring about someone is the most effective evangelism strategy."

Health

"You only get one body, and you have to use it for your whole life. It’s worth investing in. When it’s not working right, figure out how to fix it."

Fitness

"Lifting weights builds your body and mind. It increases your testosterone which also brings clarity and allows your mind to be ready. It oxygenates your body which prevents disease. Also, women like a man who is in shape. Don’t ever let your body go."

“Figure out a way to make exercise fun.  Motivation is the most useless “emotion” in the world.  It loses out to Fun every time.  But as for exercise, there is nothing more useful than lifting weights. Strong men are necessary.”

Nutrition

"Read every ingredient label. Eat clean, organic (if possible), whole foods as much as possible. Make sure beef and eggs are key parts of your diet."

"Another cookie is not the answer."

Sleep

"Only an idiot sacrifices sleep for something that could be done tomorrow, or (with better planning, today). Quality sleep (along with stress management) is more important to your health than anything else."

“I didn’t sleep much at your age. I got a little better in my later years in college, but not by much. It is really hard to convince 18–24-year-old young men that they aren’t invincible. It should be that way. But the wise among them will listen to their dads and maybe get a little more sleep than they would without the unasked for advice. There are so many connections between your body and your mind, emotions, etc. Get sleep and take care of yourself physically. Prioritize your health and watch out for depression and exhaustion.”

Medicine

"Don't trust an unhealthy doctor. Find someone who obviously practices what they preach, and learn from them."

Nature

"Go outside."

Love

"Love cannot be required, but only given freely. You cannot demand it from someone, but you ought to be grateful if/when they decide to give it."

Friendship

"Life is a team sport. Isolation is suicide. Don’t do it."

"Very few relationships are truly long-term. Enjoy them while they last. Take pictures. Savor moments. Say what you mean. Have courage. And when you have a long-term friend, protect that friendship."

“A friendship where things are concealed and not dealt with is not a friendship. I've learned this the hard way.”

“I pray you avoid experiencing that particular lesson and are able to lovingly speak truth to those around you. ‘Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.’ (Proverbs 27:5-6)”

“Make friends with people who don’t see the world the same way that you do.  Seek to understand.  Learn from them.  It’s ok to be fully convinced that your way is the right way without having to make them agree with you.  After all, you can’t change them.  Only God can do that. Learn to appreciate them for who they are, and how they are.”

Honesty

"Don't be afraid speak what is true. Temper that trait with gentleness and kindness."

"It is far better to deal with something difficult head on and accept the fallout immediately than it is to not say anything and deal with a worse situation years down the road. It's one of the more painful lessons God has taught me through mistakes I have made.”

Forgiveness

"People will let you down. You will let them down. It’s part of every relationship. We’re sinners... Having grace, along with fair expectations from the outset will help you to avoid severing a great friendship unnecessarily."

Skills

“You’re likely less valuable to the marketplace than you think you are.  If you’re struggling to make ends meet, this is why.  Put your attention on the acquisition SKILLS.  Get the skills necessary to make yourself more valuable, and the money will follow.”

Money

“There are a million ways to make a million dollars, so be open to options.  But another dollar isn’t always what you need most.  Be ambitious, and smart.  Work hard.  But learn contentment, and remind yourself what matters most. (Luke 12:13-21)”

“You can trade your time, effort, experience, education, and your soul for more money.  Everything has a price.  Learn to play a different game.”

“Money is nothing more than a tool.  Understanding how to use this tool in a world where everything is constantly getting more expensive will give you options that others won’t have.”

"Money is either moving or it’s not. When it’s not moving, it’s losing value. But, when it is moving, it always flows in one of two directions. Away from you, or toward you. Figuring out how to get it flowing in your direction is the key to having more of it."

"With every dollar, you have options. 1) Spend it. 2) Save it. 3) Give it away. 4) Invest it. We get to do all 4 of these."

"The most powerful financial reality is TIME. Learn about compounding interest. Learn about the time value of money. Learn about investing."

“For a young man, however, Investing may be the hardest, but most important use.  With investing, you have the ability to turn that single dollar into exponentially more dollars.  With wisdom, and intentionality, you can invest your money in such a way that it becomes an employee that works for you to create more of it.”

"Be generous give away 10 percent, be thrifty save 10 percent, be intentional invest the other 80% in building your life."

“You cannot save your way to wealth, so don’t be stingy.  Instead, learn how to make yourself more valuable to the marketplace.  Be dependable. Keep your word. Put yourself or your product or services in high demand.  If you make it such that what you do is worth substantially more to your clients or your boss than they’re paying you, then you will never go without.  You’ll have more money than you know what to do with.”

Alertness

“Pay Attention.  God is at work all around you, and he’s inviting you to join him.  You’d be a fool to ignore it.”

Grace

"There is no sin that you should (or can) hide from God, and no sinful pattern will get better without going to Him. Confess sin to brothers. They will not judge you for it. They should rebuke you–but they will be glad you told them. God is always worth it in the long run. There is not a single sin I don't regret. There are going to be times where choosing God feels impossible. Go to Him in those moments – He's there."

Grandparents

"Call your grandparents if you're lucky enough to still have them. It's not guaranteed that you have more time with them. Very little makes grandparents happier than having you call. That will be the highlight of their day, if not their week. They don't always have that much to do."

Fathers

"Continue to invite your dad into your life. He’s a godly man with an intense love for Christ and you. It is a challenge for dads to figure out how to continue to father their sons as those sons become men in their own right. And some of the responsibility of learning from your dad now rests on you. You will have to invite him into these years and seek his wisdom, even as he takes a step back to give you space to grow. Take the initiative to show your dad where he fits into your life as a young man. And I hope you will decide that he will play a prominent role even as you both navigate your new relationship."

Mothers

"Make sure that you continue to connect with your mom (talks, texts, calls, time, etc.). She wants to know that you think of her when she isn’t the one initiating the contact. She’s been the one who has been here while I’ve been working; she’s been investing in you and making sure that your eighteen years in our home have led to exactly this—you stepping out on your own, prepared and confident, trusting in Christ, ready. Definitely stay in touch with me. But especially stay in touch with her. And, from time to time, let your brothers know you're still thinking about them too."

Risks

"Taking dominion requires courage. Courage to step out and risk failure. Courage to try things not knowing how it will all turn out. Courage to take risks as you seek to make this world a better place for others. Dominion also requires that you reject passivity in all of its forms. As a man, you are not called to wait around for someone else to step up. Rather, you are to look at all that God has placed before you and take initiative for the sake of others."

"I encourage you to take big risks, MASSIVE risks - burn the boats, as they say. That thing that you want to do, but it scares you...go for it - and then trust in God's provision. Personally, the choices that I've never regretted are the ones that required the most bravery to make...even if they didn't pan out. The opposite is true as well: the choices that I regret are the ones where I felt like I took the easy way out."

“One verse that I've held closely in times of uncertainty is Romans 14:8, ‘For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's’. God is faithful and he will provide for you - so go all in. Anything worth doing in life is worth overdoing. Know that, regardless of the outcome, you belong to the Lord and there is nothing that you can do to change that fact.”

Leadership

"In order to lead your self and the people around you answer these 3 questions: Where are we today, Where did we come from? How did we get where we are? Where do we need to go next, and why?"

Doing the right thing

"Sometimes doing the right thing will cost you. The flip side is your conscience will be clean and while there may be lingering regrets about whether you made the right choice, doing the right thing is always the correct path, but it will cost you."

Masculinity

"Society will tell you masculine men possess “toxic masculinity.” This is entirely false. Weak men, cowardly men, men who complain, make excuses, criticize rather than create, and destroy instead of build (see deconstructionists, socialists/communists, leftists, etc.), are truly toxically masculine. Masculine men protect, build, are slow to anger, exhibit self-control and self-discipline, do not slander or gossip, speak truth, and continually self- reflect and strive to improve themselves in every facet."

Regrets

"My Grandmaster once told me to never live your life where you end up at the end with the “oudas” – “woulda, coulda, shoulda” – have the courage to pursue a dream if you feel God is leading you in that direction."

Information

"There is a war for your mind. It’s predominantly spiritual, however, we perceive it as tangible. Practice discernment and healthy skepticism when 'official narratives' are promulgated. People in society are by-and-large inculcated into what I like to call a 'curated newsfeed'; your phone, your web browser, your desktop interface, etc. are all pre-set to funnel a specific viewpoint narrative/worldview to you so that overtime your perception of reality is shaped in a specific way. Take your time and do your research. Ask questions. Look at situations from multiple views. Question bias, motive, 'what are they trying to get me to believe, and what this their purpose for doing so?'"

Girls

"There will be a ton of capable, attractive, smart, and godly girls you will meet in the next few years. Some will try to monopolize your attention for bad motives or to just have the attention of a handsome, intelligent, athletic, godly young man. Be careful and cautious. Your wife is out there somewhere. Maybe you’ll meet her soon, maybe not. Wait for her. Guard yourself for her. In all your interactions with ladies, think about your wife and how God is preparing you to be her husband, the father of the children you two will have together. You have to keep her at the forefront of your mind in all your interactions with the girls you’ll interact with in the coming years. You have to be ruthless for her. Trust me, spending your next few years preparing for your decades with her will be worth it. Wait for her. Exercise aggressive purity for her. Pray for her."

“Figure out where you want to go in your life first… then look around for a woman that is headed in the same direction.  Until you know where you are going you no business asking a girl to come along for the ride.”

“When you get married, keep dating your wife.  Work hard to keep things exciting and try to do your best to listen to her needs.  She will tell them to you in an indirect fashion.  Reading between these lines is a acquired skill that takes time.”

“Women love to dance.  Learn the basics.  When they are young they want to go out and have fun.  They do not want to be at home watching movies or playing video games.  If you don’t dance with them, the next guy will, and that’s who they will be calling/texting.”

“Feminine women respond to masculine men.  The “bad boy” is a myth where immature women confuse “bad boys” with masculinity; it’s faux-masculinity.  They know these men are truly “toxic”, but their façade of masculinity attracts women, especially when other men act sappy and weak around them – these weak men go directly to the friend-zone and never escape.  You don’t need that.  Real men exude confidence (not cockiness), never engage in gossip, speak well of others (if you speak poorly of other to your group, the group will know you will say the same about them when they are not around), take up a little more space, remain relaxed and comfortable in social situations, articulate their words clearly, remain honest, dress well, and maintain eye-contact.  A good firm handshake speaks volumes.  Real men know what they want and don’t care what anyone else thinks of them for achieving it.”

Dominion

“As a man, you have been created by God to exercise dominion over the world. In the beginning, God created a man and charged him to take ‘dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves of the earth’ (Gen 1:28). In other words, God placed the man in a wild and untamed world and told him to go and make something of it. Go and figure out how to pull fish from the sea to feed your family. Go and tame the wild ox and harness his strength to plough your fields and plant gardens. Go and pull iron from the earth to fashion tools with which to build civilization. Go and take dominion over words and fashion them into poetry and literature. Go and take dominion over your family so that each person flourishes.”

“Don’t worry about finding your dream job.   Instead look around you and find a need/problem in the community and learn how to solve it.”

“The enemy destroys; Satan destroys.  Real men build.  Be a builder.”

Providence

“Remember you were born at just the right time, in just the right place to become the man that God wants you to be, your life is not luck or fate…. Its Providence!  Place your trust in the Maker of all things, he sees you, and is pursuing you, and that is proved by the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus.”

Trials

“God bringing a man to the end of himself is a process to be eternally thankful for. ‘It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes’ - Psalm 119:71. When I was a younger Christian, I would have benefited from a better understanding of how God molds us into the men He's created us to be... So please remember, some of the hardest things you'll face as a young believer are actually God's way of shaping you into who He's designed you to be.”

Being Well-Rounded

“Weights, martial arts, weapons, firearms, dance, situational awareness, mental acuity.  All of it.  They all serve their purpose, and all are facets of a valuable gem no one can take from you.  You will inevitably draw upon aspects of these skills at some point in your adult life.”

Independence

“No one is coming to save you.  You must be ready to engage a situation on your own at any time.  Martial arts is not only about what to do when there is no retreat, but how to avoid getting into a bad situation in the first place.  Bruce Lee is known for his amazing skill and martial arts acumen; however, he also practiced the art of not fighting – how to avoid fighting if at all possible.  At the end of the day, you still need to have a basic understanding of what to do.  You’ll have a wife and kids one day and they will look to you for the answer.  Know the basics of firearm safety, handling, mechanical operation, and marksmanship.  You should own firearms and use them for defensive purposes.  You have a duty to protect your family and yourself.”

Worldview

“We serve a supernatural, relational God.  Creation itself is evidence of God.  Throughout life the Bible will continually be proven to you, as will the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.  Science, history, the laws of logic, the preconditions of intelligibility, all of it…it is all evidence supporting the Gospel and the inerrancy of Scripture.  You live in a far more ‘fantastical’ version of Lord of the Rings than you probably realize; you just need to know where to look.  Life is truly ‘blurry.’”

History

“Understand the founding of our country and the various philosophies that contributed to its creation.  Don’t believe the secular narrative that the founders were deists – this is not true (okay, Ethan Allen was); while they may not have all been orthodox Christians, they were God-fearing men who predominantly were Christian. ‘Our constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.’ – John Adams”

Government

“Once the populace living under the constitution strays from God/Christ, then they will fail to uphold the mechanisms in place that require appealing and being responsible to a Divine Creator.  This deterioration has been done slowly, over time, and by design.”

“Society will tell Christians to stay out of politics.  However, the root for the word politics is traced back to “the public.”  How can be good stewards, or share the Gospel with the public, or occupy until Christ returns if we abstain from the political mechanisms that provide for us to freely exercise this calling and responsibility?  ‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ – Edmund Burke”

“Your rights are God-given and inherent in who you are as an image-bearer of the King.  They are not given or taken by men.  Without this view of them being God-given, they are merely privileges granted by fallible men who will take them when convenient for their own desires and ambitions.”

Conclusion

I hope you’ve found these nuggets of wisdom helpful. Even if there’s something here and there you don’t agree with, the aggregated wisdom of a few dozen men from all walks of life is undeniable.

** If you’ve enjoyed these, please consider subscribing to The Speak Plainly! Newsletter and share with someone who may benefit from these.

Personal Updates

The last couple of months have been really busy but a lot of fun. We started off the month of June with a family vacation to the beach, then I went to the Southern Baptist Convention the following week, then I had an elders’ retreat a couple of weeks later, followed by a trip to WVa to visit family. While we were at the beach, my wife (Laura) and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. Four trips in five weeks!

Top left: Laura and my daughter, Reese; Top right: delivering my nomination speech at the SBC Annual Convention in Indianapolis; bottom left: family selfie at the beach, bottom right: Laura and I celebrating our 25th anniversary

Now that the busy time of traveling is over, we’re settled back in for the remainder of the summer and getting ready for the fall.

On the church front, please pray for us as we continue to pursue options for relocating our church to northern Kentucky. There’s limited options for meeting places for a church our size.