The Family that Works Together Stays Together

How headship and submission makes more sense in a productive household

A Personal Note of Introduction

I created this substack to do some writing and personal updates. I sent out a post last week and accidentally sent it to my whole address book (!). Whoops! Actually, it ended up leading to a handful of nice responses from friends that I haven’t connected with in a long time.

I cleaned up that list and whittled it down considerably to include current subscribers, church members, and a few other friends and colleagues that I thought might be interested. The main focus of my writing is biblical and theological analysis of modern culture. And whatever else grabs my attention.

If you’d rather not get these updates, please forgive my presumption, and kindly hit that “unsubscribe” button at the bottom.

A “Boringly Biblical” Controversy

I tweeted and Facebook posted this a couple of weeks ago and got quite the diverse range of reactions. One friend of mine said the observation was “boringly biblical” and should be obvious from scripture. Others were not so kind.

Here’s what I said:

One commenter said, “This is a damaging interpretation of Paul and one that continues to perpetuate the abuse of women within the church.” A fellow pastor said my post was misguiding and “potentially harmful.” He went on to say, “I suspect that the Bible’s teaching on wives submitting to their husbands is only aggravated by men incessantly demanding that wives submit.” He went on to talk about how women should be “made to feel nourished and cherished instead of being made to feel like objects of temptation.”

Interesting. I don’t remember incessantly demanding that wives submit. I was simply pointing out that this subject would be less heated if husbands and wives worked together.

This subject elicits strong emotions. The typical reaction is that this teaching harms women and enables abuse. I wonder if Paul was aware of such a possibility? Could Paul have been oblivious to the fact that men might take this as license for abuse?

Paul was certainly aware of this fact, which is why he repeatedly emphasizes the need for husbands to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25). No one complains about that verse, but whenever someone quotes Paul saying “wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Eph 5:22), well, that’s when people get upset.

Scripture twisters will do what they do. Men may indeed twist scripture to abuse women, just as people twisted scripture to justify slavery in the past and to justify LGBTQ lifestyles in the present.

I really wish modern Christians would learn the principle of abusus non tollit usum. This Latin phrase means misuse does not negate proper use. In other words, the fact that something can be misused does not mean it can never be used. The knife that cuts a man could also be used to cut lettuce. Should we never use knives because they can be misused?

Its the same with scripture. Just because someone might twist a scripture to cause harm does not make the scripture itself harmful. Rather, we listen to scripture, trust God, and obey it with faith.

So, what did I mean by the post above?

First of all, the word “submit” can sound like the wife can never disagree, give a contrary opinion, challenge her husband, or even offer correction when he’s wrong. None of that is true. A wife submitting to her husband doesn’t make her a domestic doormat. She has a mind, a voice, and influence that she can and should use. The headship of the husband entails a great responsibility that God expects him to fulfill.

Paul’s commands to husbands and wives were part of a larger “household code” in the ancient world (Col 3:18-4:1 and Eph 5:22-6:9). Ancient households were productive enterprises where husbands, wives, children, and servants worked together to provide for one another. In these texts, Paul was telling Christian households to operate in an orderly way. The husband is the head of household because he has the responsibility to provide for them.

When the husband knows he must provide for his family or they will starve, and when the whole household is expected to work together to support one another, it’s not hard to see why a leadership structure is necessary.

Modern families in the industrialized world chafe at this idea because we don’t do any work together. The husband’s leadership in the home isn’t directed towards anything productive, so it seems arbitrary and unnecessary. Families that don’t do any work together have greater potential for abuse because idle people have more time and opportunity for cruelty. “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,” as they say.

This is one reason (among many) why I think it’s good for modern Christian families to find work they can do together. When families work together, their service to one another binds them together as they learn to depend on one another.

In a productive household, the husband and wife are coworkers in Christ. On many occasions in my marriage, my wife has told me, “I don’t think that’s a good move and here’s why.” Quite often, she sees something I don’t see and we change course. At other times, she has a concern and wants to make sure I’m aware of it.

In a well-ordered household, the husband and wife do not function as a “boss” and “slave,” but more like a president and vice-president working together to accomplish something they both believe in.

This same idea could apply to churches as well. When churches work together to pursue some goal, individuals can contribute their gifts to accomplish it (see 1 Cor 12). Churches that don’t work together can grow stagnant, because they lack a unifying purpose. Likewise, when families work together to support one another, the purpose is self-evident. It’s easier for them to recognize that “we need each other.”

Work is a natural bonding agent that holds families together. When families are idle, the husband’s headship seems unnecessary. Men that have authority but no responsibility are more likely to become abusive. But men who take responsibility to lead his family in some productive enterprise can give them a greater purpose that binds them together. Families that work together in this way see more clearly the need to keep the various moving parts working in sync. And since God holds the husband primarily responsible to provide for the family, he gave him the requisite authority to lead them in that endeavor.

Other Personal Updates

The “productive household” is one of the ideas I develop more fully in my book, God’s Good Design: A Biblical, Theological, and Practical Guide to Human Sexuality, due to be released in a month or two.

Speaking of which, the material for this book started out as a class I taught at church a few years ago. I’ve been developing and researching the material for several years, and I wrote the book to be a resource for pastors, leaders, and ordinary Christians who are seeking guidance about sexuality.

Here’s the front cover and table of contents.

I think it looks great, and I can’t wait to hold a printed copy in my hands! I’m excited because of how often I hear people talking about their need for solid, biblical, accessible resources on sexuality. This book will be a helpful resource for pastors to give to congregants and use for classes or sermon series.

The only thing the publisher (Reformation Zion) needs now is to get endorsements for the back cover. We should get these back next week. After that, we should be ready to go to publication! It will be available on Amazon, Kindle, and all the other usual places where people buy books.

Have a great week!