My Story of *Almost* Apostasy

I almost abandoned Christianity when I was in college.

At that time, being a Christian was more of a habit than a conviction. And I was dumb enough to take college courses like "The Bible as Literature" and "Christianity and World Religions." I actually thought these classes would answer my questions and help me understand Christianity better. How foolish.

My ignorant faith was putty in the hands of atheistic professors, eager to claim another Christian scalp. They paraded all the old, tired objections to Christianity to the class. Patriarchy! Crusades! Slavery! Science! Evolution!

I became a walking contradiction. I was afraid, so I tried even harder to believe. There was a well-known apostate student on campus who was a pastor's kid. He was now the leader of an atheist club. So I met up to try to share the gospel with him.

He ripped me apart. I was unprepared for his objections. The fear within me grew that I might become a *former* Christian, just like him.

Before long, doubt colored everything I believed. On the outside, I was a faithful Christian who led a student bible study for CRU and went on summer missions. On the inside, the ground of my faith was slowly eroding from beneath my feet.

The thing that kept me going was the love of my Christian family and friends that I knew genuinely cared about me. I didn't want to hurt them.

I reached a low point while on a summer mission trip in 1997. I walked out on the beach at night and cried out to God for a sign that he was real.

Nothing.

Earlier that day, I was out on that same beach sharing the good news about a God I didn't believe any more. I felt like such a hypocrite.

I told God that I would do whatever he wanted if he'd just prove himself to me. "Show me you're real! Show me that Jesus is who he says he is! Just give me some proof. Anything."

Then I had a breakthrough.

On that trip, while reading and journaling at a Barnes and Noble coffee shop, I noticed something in the gospels.

Jesus, the great miracle worker, never performed miracles to get people to believe in him. He only performed miracles where faith was already present. He performed miracles in response to faith, not to cause faith.

Matthew 13:58 says, "[Jesus] did not do many mighty works there, because of their unbelief."

Why is that? It would have been so easy for him to do. If someone doubted him, he could have performed a miracle and proved everyone wrong. Checkmate!

But that's not how faith works. People didn't believe in Jesus because they were impressed with his miracles. People believed in Jesus because of who he is. They saw the "breadth and length and height and depth" of "the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge" (Eph 3:18) and that's what changed them.

This love of Christ is fully displayed in the gospel, the death and resurrection of Christ, the miracle of miracles. In other words, I had it backwards. I wanted God on my terms.

Jesus said, "If they do not hear Moses and the Prophets, neither will they be convinced if someone should rise from the dead" (Luke 16:31).

Hebrews 11:1 says, faith is the "conviction of things not seen." Faith is the belief in something very real, and very true, though we can't see it. That was my problem. I had adopted a "seeing is believing" approach to faith.

Mercifully, that night God rebuked me. He showed me that I was acting like a hard hearted Pharisee, demanding "signs" in order to believe. I was standing in judgment over God, insisting that he answer me. But God does not answer to man. Man answers to God.

Sitting in the coffee shop that night, for the first time, something clicked. A rush of delight swept over me. I stopped demanding "proof" from God and, in that moment, God became real to me in a new and powerful way.

Hyperbolic as it sounds, that was one of the most profound moments of my life. That night, the nature of faith went from being an enigma to being something wondrous and beautiful.

If you're reading this and you're in a similar place, don't lose hope. You might think you need a "sign" or some "evidence" or "proof" of who Jesus is. I'm telling you, that's not how saving faith works. Jesus Christ is more real than anything in this world. But we have to accept him on his terms, not ours. He does not "prove" himself to anyone to get them to believe. But for those who confess and repent of their sins, and trust him by faith, he proves himself again and again each day.

New Reviews of God’s Good Design

It is gratifying to read reviews and comments about GGD on Amazon and Goodreads. I love knowing that God is using the book to encourage and instruct people in their knowledge of sexuality.

I recently saw this post-thread on X that was really encouraging.

Some other reviews on Good Reads.