Listen Fast, Speak Last, and Keep Calm

Eight essential listening skills for resolving conflicts

I’ve noticed something about people in my theological circles: we’re bad at listening.

Reformed guys like me are an opinionated bunch. Especially pastors. We’ve read all the books. We know all the arguments. If someone’s doctrine is wrong, we pounce on it like a tiger to its prey.

It’s not surprising, really, since the reformed tradition began with Martin Luther’s “protests” against the doctrinal errors of Rome. And, of course, the Bible tells us to correct bad doctrine. For reformed guys, theological precision is in our DNA.

This can make us bad listeners. We care deeply about theology. We’ve got strong opinions on a lot of things. Pastors especially have a bad habit of dominating conversations when the opportunity arises to showcase our brilliance. All this can make us bad listeners, and listening well is an essential life skill.

Quick to Listen

James 1:19 says, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Listening well is a tangible demonstration of Christian charity.

This command requires humility and an eagerness to hear and understand. It assumes we don’t know everything. It assume we’re ignorant about some things and need to learn. We can love people simply by taking a genuine interest in others and listening carefully to them. In other words, love people with your ears.

A lot of Reformed guys simply talk too much. As a pastor, I’ve seen this in myself. I’m used to having a captive audience listen to my preaching, so I get used to droning on and on without interruption. That’s good in a sermon. That’s bad in a conversation. It’s the preacher’s worst habit.

I’ve watched this play out in arguments within our camp. Factions quickly form without people fully understanding the contours of the disagreement. Listening well could go a long way to improve this.

Eight Practical Listening Tools

First, ask good questions. This isn’t just a conversational tool, it’s a practical act of love. If you’re genuine curious about another person, you’ll want to listen to their perspective and hear their story. Genuine curiosity can help questions flow naturally.

Second, let them answer. James’ command is be “slow to speak.” All three commands in James 1:19 are about tempo: quick, slow, slow. Pacing is key.

If the conversation is a conflict, it’s all the more important to slow things down and let people talk. After asking a question, let them answer. True listening means letting them speak as long as they need.

And don’t listen merely to find something to refute. Don’t listen just for them to trip up so you can pounce on where they’re wrong. Put differently, don’t interrupt people. Interrupting is literally the opposite of being quick to listen and slow to speak. Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

Not interrupting is a matter of self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit. God can give you the power to rein in the impulse to dominate conversations. So if you catch yourself interrupting someone, just own it. I have to do this sometimes. So I simply say, “I’m sorry, I cut you off; please continue.”

Third, ask clarifying questions. When people are emotional in a conversation, they exaggerate and overload their words with hyperbole. That’s emotion speaking, don’t overreact to that.

I’ve made it a practice to summarize what I’ve heard and repeat it back to them, saying, “here’s what I heard you say. Is that accurate?” Or, “can you explain that?” Or, “can you give me an example?”

This approach can help bring conflicts to resolution. You’re loving the other person with your time and attention, and the other person knows their perspective has been heard and understood.

Fourth, don’t filibuster. Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” The more you talk, the more likely you are to sin, hurt others, and offend God.

Fifth, don’t assume you already know their answers. Maybe you do, but even then, they need the chance to say it. You won’t make much progress in a disagreement if the other person doesn’t feel like they’ve had the chance to express their point of view. Proverbs 18:17 says, “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.”

Proverbs 18:2 hits hard. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” If you’re the kind of person who’s got lots of opinions to share but won’t listen to other people, you’re a fool.

Arrogance is the besetting sin of our camp. Many of us are arrogant fools who talk endlessly without asking questions, showing curiosity, or letting other people speak. You can avoid being an arrogant fool by shutting up and letting the other person talk. You don’t solve problems by talking over people. Have some humility. You probably don’t know as much as you think. You might learn something.

Reformed guys are an opinionated bunch. That’s often a strength, because we want to apply Scripture to all of life. So we develop intentional, biblical convictions on a number of things. But we’re gonna get some things wrong. And we need to be gracious when other people get things wrong. So, don’t speak with an air of biblical authority on topics you haven’t thought through fully. Don’t die on every hill. Proverbs 26:17 says, “Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears” (this should be a required memory verse for reformed twitter).

Sixth, don’t listen merely to disagree. People aren’t always precise with their words. Sometimes, especially when emotions run high, people need to talk for a while and “circle the drain” until they’ve landed on the right words to express what they’re saying. That takes time. Let them have it.

Finally, keep your cool. James 1:19 says, be “slow to anger.” When we listen poorly, speak too quickly and too much, and get emotionally heated, people freeze their positions and the conflict gets personal. It’s no longer about the substance of a disagreement, its about punishing the other person because you’re angry.

Good listening can prevent things from escalating to this point. To be a good listener, keep your anger on a leash. Calm down. Most people don’t listen well when they’re angry. Anger creates a distortion field around the conversation, making it difficult to understand the other person and making the problem worse.

Conclusion

In James 1, this command comes with an explanation: “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). This is what I’m observing in my camp. There’s a lot of emotional heat and personal invective. It can happen in any theological tradition, but I’ve noticed it especially in my tribe.

It needs to stop. I’ll be doing my part to listen fast, speak last, and stay calm.

I’ve got more to say about righteous vs. sinful anger, so I’ll save that for another post.